Today and Yesterday Part 2

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January 22nd

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I shook the negative energy off as I entered the lunchroom. Our lunchroom was separated for boys and girls. I felt free at lunch, like I could be myself and no one would stare at me or give me strange looks. When I sat down at my table they weren’t laughing or acting crazy, they were very civilized. Sometimes, I saw Merril and Hillary. They belonged to the” Rose Squad” and normally they sat at the table beside ours with the rest of their squad, but the table was bare. Both Merril and Hillary were sitting at my table causing the friction. Merril was gossiping about the two other members of the roses. She was talking about how their squad is falling apart. Also about my friend James and calling him really evil things that I didn’t like. The table had a very negative vibe when they were there and after a while, it was draining to have them constantly gossiping in my ears.

 

We went to Geometry and afterwards James came out the classroom. I asked him about his relationship with Merril since their last argument and he had nothing good to say. Then I told him that they started sitting at our table. His face froze. “What?”Then I repeated what I said. “Why would you let them sit at your table? They talk really bad about you.” Horror spread across my face. Last year and the year before, Merril and I didn’t get along because she would always have bad things to say about me, but I thought we were ok now.

 

“What’d they say?”I asked in fury. He said he couldn’t remember. Blade was standing behind me and I turned around and told him what was going on and he didn’t say a word. When I got to my sixth period, which is my safe haven, I called James over and we talked more about what he said earlier. I’d never had any problems with Hillary, so I asked him what she said.

 

“Last year, when we took EOC for algebra one you and Hillary got the same score, but your grades were higher. So you got in. Also, she called you a crybaby because you cry about your grades.”

 

“That bitch,” I said in extreme anger. I walked away from James and continued with my other friends trying to forget what I just learned. James came to me and asked me if we could talk and we went to sit on the other side of the room away from everyone else. A few months ago, James stopped talking for a few days and brought that up and asked me if I remembered. He continued  by telling me he got depressed.

 

“I’m about to tell you something that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but it was never the right time. I’m not going to get into the reasons why, but I think you need to know.” I nodded. He seemed very serious.

 

“I was going to kill myself.” My heart broke and the words hit my face like a professional boxer. Everything in my world froze. The conversation didn’t seem real. I grabbed his cold fingers and wrapped them around mine. His face was turning red. My eyes began to burn and tears crept up behind my eyelids.

 

“Oh, James,” my voice cracked and hot tears rolled down my face,“I’m so sorry that you ever got there.”He explained to me that he was ok and I didn’t ask what drove him to that point because I recalled him asking me not to. His face was flushed and I gave him a hug and then stared into his eyes.”If you ever get to that point again just call me or if you just need to talk I’m always here.” he nodded. “Does anyone else know?”

 

“Hillary and Merril and a few others.” My mind was bruised by the evil words they were saying about James at lunch and all the lies they’d fed us to make themselves look innocent. How could you abuse someone with words when you know they’re depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and they’re a good person. What would you do if they died? Could you look in the mirror? I know I couldn’t. Their true evil settled in under my skin and I looked at James’ face.

 

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I was walking to my locker to get my stuff to leave. I passed by Blade and he looked over my head like I wasn’t there. I put my things away in my locker, bothered by the actions that just took place. I saw the dandelions standing by Jamal’s locker and I couldn’t really focus because I was so confused. “Sasha, I’m coming,” Jamal said as I waited for him. I looked down the hallway at Blade’s locker and he was laughing and talking with a flock of people. The fire inside of me burned and I stormed down the hallway with Jamal on my tail. I pushed passed Blade and he noticed me. I didn’t stop storming until Jamal hugged me and asked me where I put his keys that I stole out his pocket and completely forgot about it. He said he was going to run to the film room to get it before his bus leaves and then I looked at the door leaving the school and I saw a large crowd of people including Blade’s bald head. He walked out the door, he’s never walked me outside because he claimed that he wasn’t allowed out there because he had practice after school and the coach wouldn’t allow them out there. I was hurt and this was it for him and I. I didn’t want him in my life anymore, he never acted like he cared and there are so many holes in our relationship on his end. I can’t put in 100% and you put in 15%. I’d rather find someone who’d give me the 100% then waste my time. It wasn’t worth the effort. He’s ignored me too many times and this was it for us.

 

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I sat in my kitchen eating my mother’s lasagna and discussing my day. My mother backed my decision to separate myself from Blade. She exited the kitchen. As I continued eating, I thought about high school and how I wanted to  go to same high school with Blade. Earlier that year I turned down the option to leave to my favorite state, California, thinking that we would be attending school together. My soul crumbled and the tears burned my cheeks again. I wiped my eyes and went into my mother’s room and asked her if the option to move to California was still open and she said yes.

 

Today and Yesterday

This is one part of 2.  

 

This post was inspired from a day at school on January 16, 2015.

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My mother’s car pulled up to the school. Charles got out of his car and walked slowly to the school. My mother said while pointing over, “Your friend is waiting on you.” I looked over at him and smiled. I haven’t been waited on in a while and just the thought of someone waiting on me made me smile. I climbed out of the car and said goodbye to my mother, approaching the school.

 

“Hi!” I yelled and eventually caught up with him. He hit me with his signature smile, the kind of smile that should be on a build board. I smiled back at him because it was impossible not to. We had a small conversation as we entered the school. Today was the last day of spirit week, the theme was “Dress for Success”. I was dressed for success with a strapless dress, blazer, and other items that accented my outfit. Charles complimented me and we passed by Mrs. Williams. She  patrolled the hallways by keeping children in long, straight lines and checking for uniform violations. I didn’t notice she was there until  Charles interrupted our conversation because she was apparently summoning me. I approached her and Charles stood behind me.

 

“Pull your dress up,” she nagged, “they’re almost out.” Charles slowly distanced himself from us, feeling the awkward vibe. I turned around feeling slightly self-conscious of my breasts. My breasts weren’t very noticeable and the baffling thought that lingered in my mind was that the only way she noticed my breasts was if she had been staring directly at them. I had only been in the school for a short period of time after all. I looked down at them and they didn’t seem out at all. Charles totally agreed and gave me a hug as we split ways, him going down the seventh-grade hallway and me going down the eighth.

 

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I walked down the hallway like it was a runway, at least that’s what it felt like. It was the same everyday, all eyes stared at me like a runway model. Every morning girls rushed to me complimenting me and giving me hugs or strange, bizarre looks. I never could get used to the feeling of people looking at me, even if they were saying good things, it always felt as if I was being judged. It felt like they were all waiting for me to make a mistake and accidentally break a heel and ruin the whole fashion show, but I always took the eyes poised and graceful. The first fashion show was almost over as I approached my locker. I unloaded my things and stuffed my bag in my locker with the assistance of my wonderful friend, Marcus. I started the second runway looking for my beloved friend, Jamal, when I was stormed by a flock of girls, who I call the dandelions. They would all hug me and compliment my outfit practically everyday. Eventually, I saw Jamal. He was standing at his locker, unloading his things, and we conversed on how much we didn’t want to be at school. Then, I turned around and then the real model was on the runway. No one else saw him as the real model, but in my eyes, he was all I wanted to see bounce up and down the runway. Everything about him pulled me in like a fly to a spider web and I couldn’t help but get caught every time. I would always fly directly into the web, and he would wrap me up, making me his prisoner and then pierce his fangs in my skin and suck my blood mercilessly. I approached him, reaching my arms out for a hug, but only receiving an awkward hug he put no effort into. “That was awkward as hell,” I said as I followed the spider down to his locker. After that awkward hug, there was also an awkward silence at his locker. He closed it and then walked towards his homeroom. “Don’t go into homeroom,” I said hoping he would stay and talk to me, but eventually I was asked to leave by the substitute teacher.

 

I walked back to my homeroom before the bell. There were several rows of desk in the history classroom and my group of friends sat in the far corner. The dandelions were already seated and then my extremely close friend, Taylor, entered and sat in the seat beside mine. We conversed about the stupidity of Mrs. Williams in agreement. Then we sat through the announcements, eventually escaping homeroom to the crowded hallway. Jamal walked with me as we passed by Blade, who seemed too interested in himself to notice what was walking right past him. I continued down the hallway alone, entering my first period, art. Mrs. Jackson is a very strange person. The previous day she wasn’t there and we had a terrible substitute that lied on the class and said we were awful. So she made the whole class copy the book, except a few students including myself and Kayla. Kayla is my every class buddy. Most people don’t take every class with anyone, but I do with her. She can be very annoying and irritating to be around sometimes, but when she isn’t in a bad mood she’s fabulous. Since we’ve taken art several times, Mrs. Jackson puts us in a small room to do work separate from the rest of the class. Macy also sat with us because she had been absent the previous day. We discussed how unfair it was to punish the whole class for reports based on a substitute teacher who she didn’t even know. The bell rang and I noticed Kayla was wearing a pretty black dress with music notes scattered across it and her always fabulous earrings. We made our way up the hallway and entered our second period clue class.

 

The substitute teacher from Blade’s homeroom was standing in the doorway and she looked at me happily, like she hadn’t seen in a million years and was very excited. I was very confused, for I thought she remembered forcing me to leave her homeroom she was substituting for when I was talking to Blade. I sat down and greeted everyone in the small population of students. Then the bell rang. The substitute introduced herself, but I have a terrible memory when it comes to names, so I don’t recall. She stared dead at me with a huge smile and asked if she knew me from somewhere.

 

“Yeah,” I thought, “earlier when you were rushing me out of Blade’s classroom.” She asked me what schools I’d been to and I told her.

 

Then she looked at me confused and said,”Well then I must know you from somewhere else.” We were doing presentations on the first chapter of the Lord of the Flies and I stood up to the podium and presented my worksheet to the class and handed it out. Then the substitute called me over. She asked me to spit out my gum as I was handing out the papers. I walked over to the trash can, wrapped the gum and tissue, and threw it away. I stood at the podium waiting for them to finish, then she called me over once again. “Why don’t you do the sheet with them?”I minded her and walked back up to the podium and worked it with the class and then collected the papers. After almost everyone presented, the bell rang. We continued down the hallway passing by Mrs. Williams, as she had her eyes glued to my breast and then she gazed back up at my face, realizing I saw. I looked back at Taylor wondering if she saw Mrs. Williams starring. We entered third period, which was the same room we had homeroom in. The whole class was basically filled because it took us a long time to get to Mr. Bonner’s class from Clue. I sat down in the front row, Jamal next to me, Taylor across the room, Blade two seats across from me, and Marshall diagonal. Jamal and I laughed and joked throughout the period. I turned around to Marshall, he was wearing a University of Memphis tie and his blonde hair was flipped up. I showered all the boys who dressed nice with compliments. Blade didn’t say anything to me. The bell rang and I walked to Blade’s desk and waited on him as usual. He didn’t say anything to me. Then I offered to help him, and he coldly declined and exited the classroom past me. My heart fell to the ground as I unscrewed my locker. Blade hadn’t held my books in a very long time. Throughout my fourth period, science, I answered my test question consumed in confused thoughts.

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