Today and Yesterday Part 2

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January 22nd

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I shook the negative energy off as I entered the lunchroom. Our lunchroom was separated for boys and girls. I felt free at lunch, like I could be myself and no one would stare at me or give me strange looks. When I sat down at my table they weren’t laughing or acting crazy, they were very civilized. Sometimes, I saw Merril and Hillary. They belonged to the” Rose Squad” and normally they sat at the table beside ours with the rest of their squad, but the table was bare. Both Merril and Hillary were sitting at my table causing the friction. Merril was gossiping about the two other members of the roses. She was talking about how their squad is falling apart. Also about my friend James and calling him really evil things that I didn’t like. The table had a very negative vibe when they were there and after a while, it was draining to have them constantly gossiping in my ears.

 

We went to Geometry and afterwards James came out the classroom. I asked him about his relationship with Merril since their last argument and he had nothing good to say. Then I told him that they started sitting at our table. His face froze. “What?”Then I repeated what I said. “Why would you let them sit at your table? They talk really bad about you.” Horror spread across my face. Last year and the year before, Merril and I didn’t get along because she would always have bad things to say about me, but I thought we were ok now.

 

“What’d they say?”I asked in fury. He said he couldn’t remember. Blade was standing behind me and I turned around and told him what was going on and he didn’t say a word. When I got to my sixth period, which is my safe haven, I called James over and we talked more about what he said earlier. I’d never had any problems with Hillary, so I asked him what she said.

 

“Last year, when we took EOC for algebra one you and Hillary got the same score, but your grades were higher. So you got in. Also, she called you a crybaby because you cry about your grades.”

 

“That bitch,” I said in extreme anger. I walked away from James and continued with my other friends trying to forget what I just learned. James came to me and asked me if we could talk and we went to sit on the other side of the room away from everyone else. A few months ago, James stopped talking for a few days and brought that up and asked me if I remembered. He continued  by telling me he got depressed.

 

“I’m about to tell you something that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but it was never the right time. I’m not going to get into the reasons why, but I think you need to know.” I nodded. He seemed very serious.

 

“I was going to kill myself.” My heart broke and the words hit my face like a professional boxer. Everything in my world froze. The conversation didn’t seem real. I grabbed his cold fingers and wrapped them around mine. His face was turning red. My eyes began to burn and tears crept up behind my eyelids.

 

“Oh, James,” my voice cracked and hot tears rolled down my face,“I’m so sorry that you ever got there.”He explained to me that he was ok and I didn’t ask what drove him to that point because I recalled him asking me not to. His face was flushed and I gave him a hug and then stared into his eyes.”If you ever get to that point again just call me or if you just need to talk I’m always here.” he nodded. “Does anyone else know?”

 

“Hillary and Merril and a few others.” My mind was bruised by the evil words they were saying about James at lunch and all the lies they’d fed us to make themselves look innocent. How could you abuse someone with words when you know they’re depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and they’re a good person. What would you do if they died? Could you look in the mirror? I know I couldn’t. Their true evil settled in under my skin and I looked at James’ face.

 

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I was walking to my locker to get my stuff to leave. I passed by Blade and he looked over my head like I wasn’t there. I put my things away in my locker, bothered by the actions that just took place. I saw the dandelions standing by Jamal’s locker and I couldn’t really focus because I was so confused. “Sasha, I’m coming,” Jamal said as I waited for him. I looked down the hallway at Blade’s locker and he was laughing and talking with a flock of people. The fire inside of me burned and I stormed down the hallway with Jamal on my tail. I pushed passed Blade and he noticed me. I didn’t stop storming until Jamal hugged me and asked me where I put his keys that I stole out his pocket and completely forgot about it. He said he was going to run to the film room to get it before his bus leaves and then I looked at the door leaving the school and I saw a large crowd of people including Blade’s bald head. He walked out the door, he’s never walked me outside because he claimed that he wasn’t allowed out there because he had practice after school and the coach wouldn’t allow them out there. I was hurt and this was it for him and I. I didn’t want him in my life anymore, he never acted like he cared and there are so many holes in our relationship on his end. I can’t put in 100% and you put in 15%. I’d rather find someone who’d give me the 100% then waste my time. It wasn’t worth the effort. He’s ignored me too many times and this was it for us.

 

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I sat in my kitchen eating my mother’s lasagna and discussing my day. My mother backed my decision to separate myself from Blade. She exited the kitchen. As I continued eating, I thought about high school and how I wanted to  go to same high school with Blade. Earlier that year I turned down the option to leave to my favorite state, California, thinking that we would be attending school together. My soul crumbled and the tears burned my cheeks again. I wiped my eyes and went into my mother’s room and asked her if the option to move to California was still open and she said yes.

 

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